I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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