Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
