Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
