I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
