If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
