There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
