you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
