I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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