If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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