Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
