god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
