In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
