I wish my penis had an off switch
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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