Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
