I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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