the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
