god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was so not down for the gang bang
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
