My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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