I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
