I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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