Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
