Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
