I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The Olympian is in my bed
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
