I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
