I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
