sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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