My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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