just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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