dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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