I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
