If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
