i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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