Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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