Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
