So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
