I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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