I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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