Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
