weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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