It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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