the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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