Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
