Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I puked a lego.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
