Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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