She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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