pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
