He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
