I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
