Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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