the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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