Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
