Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
