just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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