Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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