we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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