The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.