So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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