maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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